You will have to forgive me -- words are not my forte.
I cannot promise you eloquent articulation.
I cannot promise fully formed thoughts or concise speech.
All I have in me is... me.
My story.
Messy as it is. Cloaked in uncertainty. Covered in grief. Broken.
My story.
Filled with hope.
Persistent, painful, heartbreaking, humbling... hope.
You see, Erik and I have been trying to conceive for eleven months.
We found out we were pregnant at the end of December.
We miscarried in January.
I wouldn't go as far as to say we are having fertility problems, but things definitely aren't going as planned.
I feel the need to explain why I am sharing this now. I don't even have a thoughtful explanation... there are a number of factors that make me both want to share and to keep this a secret.
I don't want people who have an easy time conceiving to feel bad.
I don't want people who unintentionally conceived to feel bad.
I want people to freely share their joy with me.
I want new mamas to feel uninhibited when sharing their pregnancies, birth stories, and babies with me.
I don't want pity.
I know that many women have been struggling for much longer than I have and I don't feel I have a right to feel the way I do.
But this is my story.
It is so easy to invalidate my thoughts and feelings. I am quite skilled at minimizing my experiences and brushing things aside. It is easy to tell myself to buck up because someone has it worse because it's true -- someone has it worse. Taking a while to get pregnant, and even miscarrying, is inconsequential when compared to struggles others are having. My life is cupcakes and roses compared to most... but that doesn't lessen what I have been feeling. That doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.
I am ashamed to be taking it as hard as I am.
But this is my story. This is my experience. This is where I am at and what I have been journeying through.
6 comments:
I can add a reason for sharing to your list. Prayer.
When we know of our friends and loved ones burdens, we can offer up a prayer for them. Maria
ashley, i will pray for peace for you. and i hope you will feel less ashamed for feeling what you have a right to feel. every experience is different for every person, and you are completely entitled to how you feel about this. it is heart breaking. it is hard. it is okay to feel however you feel about it.
Wow, thank you for sharing. I'll keep you and Erik in my prayers as I definitely know what it's like to have things not go according to 'plan'. It's hard learning/realizing that we don't have control over everything. Anyways, you'll be in our prayers!
Oh, and best lesson learnt in the last year or so: You have feelings for a reason. Don't bottle them up...you are allowed to feel how you feel. Bottling them up does no good, only bad. Trust me. xoxo
Ashley, I had no idea that you were going through this. It sucks taking longer than you planned to conceive. Miscarriages are also so difficult emotionally and physically. This journey of life is hard with things we have little to no control over, and like Maria said, knowing this, we can pray for you and Erik.
Perspective is good in that you know it could be so much worse, but still, allow yourself to feel as you do; grief, sadness, frustration. Never be ashamed of that. You are going through a truly difficult time. I'm sorry.
Also, I'm glad that you wrote about how you are happy for others and don't want pity and want them to share openly. I think that is great...you are taking away the potential awkwardness of `should I say something, should i not..'.
I just want to say thank you for sharing.
Oh my goodness, Ash . . . OF COURSE you have the right to feel the way you do. Of course you do. Don't ever deny yourself that! It hurts. It is disappointing. It is worrisome. It seems endless. It feels unrelenting. You wonder if your body is normal. You wonder what is wrong with you. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Don't tell yourself it doesn't (and I'm sure you haven't) and don't let yourself think that you shouldn't be feeling pained. I would think it feels as if your heart were being squeezed.
I love you, Ash. And I am so sorry for all your sadness. The anguish of it all! I know it feels like for.ev.er. It is just so. hard. to wait. And the miscarriage must have been so particularly painful. Ugh. I can't even imagine. I wish I could give you a giant hug and cry right along with you. Come April, I will be. (((HUGE HUGS)))
I know this is so hard. So hard. You are very brave and good to have posted this, because suffering alone is misery. I think it will help in the healing process. Your "this is where I am" is heartbreaking and it makes me love you all the more.
((((Love you))))
Post a Comment