Birth

Yesterday I received a call at 04:55 informing me that my friend, Kelsey, was in labour. I was being summoned (welcomed, really) to support her and her husband as they brought their child into the world.

Birth is miraculous. It is amazing -- like a.m.a.z.i.n.g! And I feel so blessed to be invited into this intimate and inspiring time in people's lives. I cannot think of anything so beautiful, so raw, so powerful, and so sacred.

Four years ago I had the honour of attending my first birth as a 'doula' as Sawyer Dawn wasted no time making her entrance into the world. I can tell you that it never gets old. It never gets less exciting. It is never any less awesome.

I'm still buzzing.

Tucker Ray

It is with a full and happy heart that I announce the birth of Sawyer and Kaden's little brother, Tucker Ray. He was born on March 25th at 23:26 weighing 8lb 8oz. Mom and babe are both doing well and

Kev even survived the delivery without my moral support. 

This is the first of Mandi's births that I have missed and I wish with all my heart that I could have been there to welcome Tucker Ray and to cheer Mandi and Kevin on. Fort St John has never seemed so far away. I was able to FaceTime in the wee hours of the morning and got to "meet" the adorable little man.

Tucker Ray.

I don't even know where to begin. 

Even though I wasn't there to welcome you earthside, I still love you so deeply.

You are one lucky little guy to join the family you have. 

Welcome to the world, young man. 

Welcome. 

the details... probably too much information

I cannot count the number of times I have found myself on google in the past few months. I was so unsure of what was happening within my body and I wanted to know that I was normal -- both with the pregnancy and the miscarriage. Google didn't have many answers. All I found were stories of women who had some experience or another but none were quite like mine.

I wasn't sure I was going to go into much detail around my miscarriage but I would have benefited from reading one a little more like mine so I am going to share.

We had been trying to conceive for nine months when I started bleeding on Christmas day. My cycle is usually 32 days so this was a few days earlier than expected, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was at work and spent a few minutes crying and subsequently composing myself in the bathroom, as had become my usual routine. I made it through my shift and went home to my empty house (Erik worked the evening shift).

Over the next few days my bleeding was on and off -- heavier than spotting, but much less bleeding than my usual period. It would stop for hours at a time and then bleed more heavily for an hour or so.

I was frustrated and perplexed so I sent Erik to the store to get me a pregnancy test as I was hoping to rule out pregnancy. We were going to the walk-in the next day because of our car accident and I wanted as much information as possible to share with the doctor.

My heart dropped a wee bit when the pregnancy test was positive. I wanted to be more excited than I was, but the bleeding was worrying me. I called 811 and a kind nurse talked to me for a while, but (obviously) had nothing definitive to tell me. I knew they wouldn't have anything to say, but my mind was racing and I didn't know what else to do. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be ok, but nobody could.

That was December 29.

On the 30th we went to the walk-in. We had our checkup and then I mentioned the bleeding/pregnancy. The doctor had me give a urine sample and she confirmed that I was, in fact, pregnant and then sent me for some bloodwork to see how the pregnancy was progressing.

Enter bloodwork every three days for the next month.

On January 1st I was working a day shift and started bleeding heavily after lunch. I called the midwife in a panic and she encouraged me to go to emergency for some more bloodwork. Thankfully one of my dear friends was working with me so I pulled her aside and she took care of everything as I was in no shape to return to work. She even called Erik and told him to meet me in emerg. They did some bloodwork and my HCG was rising, but it hadn't doubled as was expected. It was still well within a normal range so the doctor said he was unconcerned and gave me a req for more labwork in a few days.

I spent the next few days on self-prescribed bed rest. I was experiencing increased cramping and bleeding when I was upright so I spent most of my time lying on the couch. I called the midwife just to be reassured that nothing I could do would encourage or stop a possible miscarriage, but I still felt more sane when I was lying down. I felt like I was giving my body the best chance it had even though I knew it wasn't making a difference.

I continued going for regular bloodwork and my HCG continued to rise.

On January 9, I went for a trans-vaginal ultrasound at the fertility clinic -- I was just over six weeks pregnant.  Erik was thankfully able to come with me. The doctor wasn't able to see anything in my uterus, but she said she was unable to confirm miscarriage as your HCG needs to be above 1000 to see anything. So, I went for more bloodwork and my HCG was at 940. That is incredibly low for six weeks, but the doctor said it was still acceptable.

I think I passed the baby soon after the ultrasound. I went to the bathroom (and this may be too much information) and there was a little ... thing on my pad. Being curious, I inspected it and it looked exactly like the baby at six weeks gestation in the book I was reading earlier that day. The baby had stumpy little paddles-for-limbs and a large-in-proportion-head.

I had bloodwork done a few days later and my levels were still rising. The fertility specialist said I either had a twin pregnancy and I'd lost one of the babies or the placenta was still attached from a single pregnancy. She also presented the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy because my hormone levels were still going up, but not quickly enough. At this point she said that a viable pregnancy was highly unlikely so I needed to be aware of any abdominal pain that was more than cramping or different than my cramping and that I was to get to the hospital immediately if that should occur as it would likely be due to an ectopic pregnancy.

I'd always suspected the pregnancy would not be viable - I thought I was miscarrying the moment I saw that the pregnancy test was positive - but it was still difficult to hear that fear confirmed. And to have the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy to worry about on top of it!

I continued going for regular bloodwork and my hormone levels finally started dropping at the end of January.

I stopped bleeding the first week of February.

Whew. Writing this took a lot out of me. I was hoping to write more. Less facts and more experience, but that will have to wait.

my story

You will have to forgive me -- words are not my forte.

I cannot promise you eloquent articulation.
I cannot promise fully formed thoughts or concise speech.

All I have in me is... me.
My story.
Messy as it is. Cloaked in uncertainty. Covered in grief. Broken.

My story.
Filled with hope. 

Persistent, painful, heartbreaking, humbling... hope.

You see, Erik and I have been trying to conceive for eleven months.
We found out we were pregnant at the end of December.
We miscarried in January.

I wouldn't go as far as to say we are having fertility problems, but things definitely aren't going as planned.

I feel the need to explain why I am sharing this now. I don't even have a thoughtful explanation... there are a number of factors that make me both want to share and to keep this a secret.

I don't want people who have an easy time conceiving to feel bad.
I don't want people who unintentionally conceived to feel bad.
I want people to freely share their joy with me.
I want new mamas to feel uninhibited when sharing their pregnancies, birth stories, and babies with me.
I don't want pity.
I know that many women have been struggling for much longer than I have and I don't feel I have a right to feel the way I do.

But this is my story.

It is so easy to invalidate my thoughts and feelings. I am quite skilled at minimizing my experiences and brushing things aside.  It is easy to tell myself to buck up because someone has it worse because it's true -- someone has it worse. Taking a while to get pregnant, and even miscarrying, is inconsequential when compared to struggles others are having. My life is cupcakes and roses compared to most... but that doesn't lessen what I have been feeling. That doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.

I am ashamed to be taking it as hard as I am.

But this is my story. This is my experience. This is where I am at and what I have been journeying through.

girls night.

Erik was in Vancouver for school a couple weeks ago. I am not the biggest fan of being home alone so I invited Maelle and Elinor for a sleepover.

It was only Elinor's second time sleeping over and she did wonderfully. Like I've said before, my house is magical when it comes to making babies sleep. I missed my girls -- I have been so busy that I haven't had much time to spend with them.

Elinor is more determined than her sister was... She will scream at you if she wants to be picked up. At one point Elinor was walking to me and I went to help Maelle on the potty so Nori started crying. It took Maelle some time to finish on the pot so poor Elinor hollared for a bit. When I came back into the kitchen I found her right where I left her... poor girl. She was so relieved when I scooped her up and gave her a hug.

I sheepishly told her Ma that I let her scream because I couldn't hold her the whole time. If I did than there would be no food or bathroom breaks for Maelle or I. Little Miss and I employed many methods of distraction to entertain the wee one and it worked much of the time. Elinor spent much of the time sitting on the counter drooling on whatever she could get her hands on.

Maelle Mai is getting so big! My little baby is so grown up! She is thoughtful (I was rocking an unhappy Elinor and Maelle brought all of her toys and placed them around us), she is silly, and she is cuddly. I love her. I have missed her so much.

Elinor Alida Joy is determined. She is goofy, she is stubborn, she is sensitive, and she is loud. I feel like I am still getting to know her -- I haven't spent nearly as much time with her as I'd like. My Little Joy.

Have a good day!

Christmas is over...

Christmas is over. I finally took down my decorations, as I mentioned earlier, but I thought I'd post one picture of what our house looked like. I know my SIL would be interested.
I was going to post an "after" photo, but it's too embarrassing. If anyone has some interior decorating talent then you're more than welcome to come my way and teach me a thing or two.

PS. Does anyone have any idea how I can embed the photos from flickr without having them take you away from blogger when you click on them?

S H E I S Clothing

My friend, Kim, is amazing. She never ceases to surprise and inspire me with her dedication to her faith and her talent.  She recently started a clothing line (S H E  I S Clothing) and her reasons for doing so are below...

It has been a long time dream of mine to use my creative "ways" for His glory. I suppose I've always feared failing, but recognize we have a real enemy who I wont let thrive in my silence any longer.
It is time for us all to embrace the strength of our Savior so that we can be marked with the valor of Proverbs 31. Lets live a life of strength and beauty for His glory.
She is P U R P O S E F U L
She is H O N O R A B L E
She is S T R O N G

x o x o Kimberly Gladman (designer)

I have to admit that I haven't purchased anything from S H E  I S Clothing. I look at the site every single day and I can't decide which one I like best. Erik keeps telling me to buy one of each, which is incredibly tempting. I have given myself until tonight to make my decision -- if I haven't figured it out by then I'll be buying one of each, like Erik keeps telling me to do.

Go on over. Take a look. Support a local business.

as of late

Erik is making me breakfast -- what a good husband. I am between night shifts and I would usually be snuggled in my bed by now, but the smell of perogies is more than enough to keep my tired eyes open.

I thought I'd take a moment to say hello! I keep meaning to, but my best intentions are obviously not motivation enough.

I haven't been up to much. Knitting. Watching Nashville (don't judge). Working. And hardly seeing my husband due to our opposite schedules. Oh, I also started the Book Thief. I've been reading it sporadically and enjoying it.

Some of my siblings are coming out this weekend for Family Day, which Erik and I are both looking forward to. It is my first weekend off in a while and I am looking forward to a few days of family fun.

I finally took down our Christmas decorations. Our dead tree is still in the living room, but I already miss having decorations up. Christmas is the only time my house is decorated. It's the only time I actually hang things up and make thinks look nice. Now our living room is bare and uninviting again. I need to do something about that. There is so much wall space though! Too.much.space.

Breakfast is ready. Sorry for the lame post.Maybe my nieces will liven things up??
Shawna, I'm alive!

trip to emergency.

Oh dear.

Remember my last trip to the Emergency Department?? Well, I returned again tonight.

You see, I was cooking some delicious creamy mushroom and roasted cauliflower soup. I was chopping up leeks and somehow managed to chop part of my finger off.

All I remember was thinking I needed to move the leeks over because I was running out of cutting board but thinking I didn't want to move it because the leeks I already chopped would have fallen off so I was trying to compromise when I sliced clean through the tip of my finger.

Then I felt the sting. Yowwwza.

My fingertip was pointed down so I sliced through half of my finger nail and took off about a millimeter of the nail bed at the same time. I sliced along the top of my finger.

I tried to staunch the blood flow, but it kept pouring out. I compressed, iced, and elevated it and then called Erik, who was at work. I told him I probably needed to go to the ER to get it glued because it would.not.stop.bleeding. We only have one car so I was vehicle-less and needed a ride.

I felt silly going to emerg for such a silly thing as bleeding, but it would not stop. I made the mistake of sticking my finger in my mouth to get rid of some of the blood -- wow did that ever sting. Any time I removed the pressure from my finger blood would pour out. Like, drip all over the floor, the counter, and everything else in its path (which was many things as I continued cooking while I waited for Erik to pick me up... don't worry, no blood got in the food).

I called my sister to verify that I was not being ridiculous and did, in fact, need medical attention beyond that which I could provide for myself. She agreed that I should come in and said she'd come visit me as she was working. 

Erik picked me up and came into get me registered.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell someone that you cut the tip of your finger off while cooking?? Terribly embarrassing.

I got through to Minor Treatment quickly and I was called in within minutes of sitting down. The doctor was kind and he rinsed my finger before gluing it. It isn't glued to attach or close anything, but to... cover? I knew it would eventually clot, but I was worried about the number of times I need to wash my hands at work and the likelihood of reopening the cut.

The gluing itself was entirely unpleasant. You know when your nail breaks off to short?? How painful it is?? Imagine that, but worse. It stung all the way up to my wrist.

So, I visited Lindsey quickly before calling Erik to come pick me up again.

And now I am home. Annoyed with myself for being so silly. Stinging. And hoping my finger looks normal again once this is all healed.

celebrating, drinks, and cooking.

We went to Sam and Milena's house last night for a birthday celebration. I turned 27 last week so Milena invited us for dinner to celebrate with her family. Milena and I even managed to slip out for a mini date of our own while the boys entertained the kids.

I'm going for coffee with someone I went to high school with. We weren't friends in high school, but we weren't not friends either. She graduated a year after me and is now going to Med School in town. It's interesting how proximity encourages friendships. I'm excited to meet up with her and get to know her better.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with someone who potentially wants me to be her doula. She's a friend of a friend and I'm super excited about meeting up with her too. I hope things work out and that I can be there to support her in her labour and delivery -- I love supporting mama's in birth. Love it!

Tomorrow also happens to be my cooking day. I'm gearing up for plenty of prepping and too many dishes to wash by evening. I will thank myself later when I get home after a 12 hour shift and don't have to make dinner.

this and that.

I'm not complaining, but I need to state the obvious: shift work is awful. This whole day/night thing is just terrible and I can feel myself aging every set. I struggle switching from nights back to days -- I sluggishly wander around for a few days trying to straighten myself out.

Today is one of those days. I went for a walk with my ma and my nieces to make myself feel alive and it definitely helped. Those girls cure most ailments.

I still have my Christmas decorations up. I love Christmas -- it's the only time my house is decorated.

It's time for me to get back on the meal-planning bandwagon. Erik has started school again so he is incredibly busy. I like to cover all the cooking while he's busy doing schoolwork and that involves some intense planning. I pre-make meals the day before I start a set so we have enough food for the four days I'm working. Also, meal-planning saves money. On that note, does anyone have any favourite recipes they feel like sending my way???

I love having my sister live in Kelowna. I thoroughly enjoy being able to stop by for a quick visit whenever I'm in town.

And that is that. For now. 

outside.

It is much too easy for me to stay home. This is not a cry for help, but since Mandi moved away my life has been a lot less exciting. I stay home waaaaayyy more than I used to. Kids have a way of forcing you outside. 

Erik and I usually work different shifts than each other and we only have one vehicle so there isn't a lot of opportunity to get out and do things. And when I do have access to the car it is far too easy to convince myself to just stay home because it's so nice. I didn't get much time at home the first few months after we got back from our trip so I am loving it to the point of ridiculousness.

The moral of the story is Mandi should never have moved away.

Just kidding.

No, I need to get out more.

And I did. Yesterday.

Garrit, our he's-been-around-so-long-he-is-accepted-into-the-family psuedo-brother, was in town so we has a family fun day before I had to go to work for the night. It was so wonderful to be outside! And to be with people! And to be outside!

I need to get out more.

recent knitting.

As I mentioned before, I've been knitting up a storm. Thankfully I have had some motivation to finish off some things I'd knit long ago. I've been weaving in loose ends, sewing up seams, and putting the finishing touches on a few things (minus buttons... I hate buttons!!).

Other than finishing up old projects, I've been knitting a few new things.


Numero Uno: Mason Jar Cozy.  I've had this yarn sitting around for a while. I was perusing ravelry a few days ago looking for ways to use up some of the yarn I've accumulated and I came across a pattern for mason jar cozies. We use mason jars as cups, but the cup ones were all dirty so I stuck this cozy on some canning. Pretty and practical -- my fave.


I've also knit a pair of Stay-On Booties. I've had this pattern and the yarn since I was in Scotland almost a year ago and I finally sat down and figured out the pattern. As with most things, it ended up being much easier than it seemed the first time I attempted it. The giver of the pattern informed me that they are the best booties as they really do stay on. These may become a staple baby gift.


There were also these Wrist Warmers I knit. Erik has informed me that he probably won't wear wrist warmers, but I love them just the same.


I finally finished the Diamond Baby Blanket (mentioned here). It is delightful. Absolutely delightful. Erik picked the wool for the blanket. His first choice was the purple used in these tunics for my nieces, which would have been absolutely beautiful, but I wanted to knit something more gender neutral because who knows when I'll be wrapping a baby in said blanket and what gender said baby will be.


This Knitted Baby Hat took only a few hours to complete. I like how it looks, but would use different yarn next time as this was hand spun and of varying thickness throughout. I would make something warmer and cozier. I was going to send this to some friends who just had a baby, but I think I'll knit them a new one that is thicker -- warmer and cozier.

warm enough to sit on the deck

Yesterday wasn't particularly warm, but it has been quite lovely here as of late. Erik and I spent an afternoon sitting on the deck sipping tea. Erik read while I sat knitting. It was pleasant.

We left the door open and allowed the sun to warm our kitchen. In January! I think it was +4... or +2, with the sun shining on you it felt warmer. As long as we're in the positives, I'm happy.

I have another presentation today -- I am educating nurse educators. I get extremely anxious, but it's good for me to stretch myself and to go out of my comfort zone. What's the worst that could happen?? Don't answer that, I've been more than creative in thinking of possibilities myself.

I have been knitting up a storm the past couple days. I've started on some Christmas gifts for next year already. I had a moment of inspiration so I ran with it. I'll thank myself come November. I'm already thanking myself though I'm tempted to send some things out now as belated-Christmas gifts... I won't do that though. I'll put them somewhere for safe keeping and hopefully not forget about them next year. I typically like having my Christmas shopping/making done before November. Or at least the bulk of it. That did not happen this year. This was our worst year ever for being on the ball. I still have a package to send to my sister-in-law in the Mid-West. Un-un-un-un-un-un-un (as she would say). People love Christmas in January right??

Erik's up so it's time to get going. Happy Tuesday!

local delights

Two delicious local delights to share with you today. Erik and I don't eat out often, but try to choose interesting places when we do. We have two restaurants that are among our favourites in Kelowna. Both are situated downtown so one can go for a walk along the lake after (or before) dinner.

1. Pho Soc Trang

Yumm. Delicious and affordable. We usually share a pho soup with vegetables added. Dinner for two for under $15. Also, you get a punch card when you buy soup so after ten you get one free. If we don't get the pho then we get the lemongrass vermicelli bowl which is equally delicious.

One of the best things about Pho Soc Trang is the employees. They are hilarious and adorable.

2. Bai Thong

I'm sure Bai Thong could be affordable, but Erik and I can't help ourselves when we're there so we eat way too much food and spend way too much money. We only go here if we're going for dinner with friends. The owner always laughs at how much we order and tells us we won't be able to finish our meal. We always do and walk out with our bellies aching.

Recommendations... everything! Pad Thai. Tom Ka Gai. Pad Prick King. Gang Kiew Waan. You could honestly pick anything on the menu and be more than satisfied.

I wish I had an excuse to go for dinner now. Anyone want to come for a visit??

lucky me.

I was lucky enough to have my dear friends spend the night last weekend. It felt wonderful to have them in my home! The pitter patter of little feet warmed me to my very soul. The squeals and giggles made my heart swell with joy.

Oh, how I have missed these people -- both the big ones and the little ones. For the few moments they were in my home it felt like they had never left.

Sawyer repeatedly asked me what I wanted to do with her. We had a rough night so we watched a movie and baked cookies trying to buy some time for the parents to sleep. Our visit was much too short, but that couldn't be helped. I'm saving all my pennies hoping to make a trip up to FSJ to visit the family some time after the baby arrives.

Last week I also got to visit with this family and their new baby. Makana is a gem -- she is adorable and snuggly and delicious. It's no secret that I adore babies so I soaked in my baby snuggles. 

A favourite family and a new baby... I'd say that was a pretty wonderful weekend.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Wishing you a wintery weekend!

*** *** *** ***

this and that

• We welcomed 2013 on a rooftop in Arequipa, Peru watching fireworks go off all around us. It was absolutely delightful. 
• I welcomed 2014 asleep in my bed as I had to work the next morning. It was not quite as delightful, but sleep is delightful just the same. 
• Nostalgia gets the best of me at the beginning of a new year. I make feeble attempts to fight it, but I love sitting in memories. Not just memories of the last year, but of all the years before. I like nothing more than sitting by the fire, sipping on some Teaberry's, and reminiscing. My favourite tea at Teaberry's -- Feel Relaxed.
• I'm planning on reminiscing later though.
• We visited some friends in Stanwood this Christmas and they have Fiesta plates which I happened to drool over our entire visit. Now I've been dreaming of them. I want one in (almost) every colour.
• I purchased this calendar. One for myself and one for a sister-in-law. I drool over this too. Daily. It is in my kitchen and I love it. I also love that SKOS and I have the same calendar. It makes me smile. Seriously, the calendar is delightful! 
• I talked with SKOS and her four rowdy boys today. Always loud. Always blurry. Always a good time. I wish they lived closer, but am thankful for Skype. 
• I came across this a while ago -- Secluded Cultures on the Brink of Extinction. I came across it again this week and found myself still gazing at the photos 30 minutes later. They are breath-taking. 
• On the same site (mymodernmet.com), I saw this -- Touching Portraits of Mothers with Their One-Day-Old Babies. It makes me want to take photos of the mama's I doula for. I have two births lines up in March/April... We'll see if I still feel inspired then. Or if the Mama's feel up for it. 
• I'm off to make some pumpkin spice pancakes! 
•  Happy New Year!