No, I am not pregnant. Nor do I have any plans in becoming so in the near future.
Traveling, at least long term traveling, gives you plenty of time to think. I could write a book about my many thoughts, but it wouldn't be interesting to read. And it would be far too embarrassing to share. I started a post like this a few months back. I have actually started it many times, but felt like an imposter writing it as we aren't quite there yet. But, there or not, parenthood, birth, and babies are regularly on my mind.
I have been baby crazy for as long as I can remember. Getting married intensified it and now leaving all the babies I love has made it almost unbearable at times. Without the usual children-that-don't-belong-to-me to distract me, I only have my non-existant wee ones to occupy my thoughts. My loving husband trudges on as I regularly plead my "let's have a baby" case. He is unfazed and unfaltering. Just my luck.
I do have a few concerns regarding parenthood and, more specifically, being a mother. I don't worry about providing for an infant's daily needs, but I worry about what kind of a mother I will be.
Does anyone else think they will be a bad mom? Or did you? I can honestly say that I am a great auntie, but being a mother is a whole different ball game. Maybe I don't think I will be a bad mom, but I do have concerns.
Firstly, and most frighteningly, I am worried about sleep deprivation. Not sleep deprivation itself, I know this is inevitable, but about what it will do to me. Sadly, sleep deprivation makes me into a not-so-nice person. Strangers, friends and patients are safe from my wrath, but my poor husband, and I fear our future children, are not so lucky. I am afraid that sleep deprivation, coupled with a crying dependent, will turn me into a harsh, impatient, unkind and "yell-y" mother. When I know I am feeling this way as a wife, I just sequester myself and nap, knit, eat, or read until it passes and I feel like a human being again. You don't have that luxury when you are a parent.
I am worried that, once my child needs parenting rather than just caregiving, I will be inconsistent, too strict and emotion driven. I am worried that I will discipline based on my emotional response to a child's behaviour whether the response is warranted or not. I want to discipline appropriately and fairly rather than based on how I am feeling on a particular day. Kids don't need to be disciplined for being kids -- they aren't misbehaving just because they are being annoying.
I am very worried about how much I will love those wee ones. My heart aches and my eyes well up when I think about children that aren't mine so I can't imagine how it will feel when they are mine. I have spent many a night snuggled up with a tiny child and weeping because of how deeply I love them. The thought of loving anyone more (maybe not more, but differnently) terrifies me.
Along with this deep loving, I am worried about not being able to let go. I know that I often feel the weight of others' decisions, especially poor decisions. I feel embarrassed when someone embarrasses themselves. I feel sad when they do something I know they shouldn't (and I know best, right?). I feel heart broken when they are heart broken. I very much carry the burden of others decisions and emotions. I should clarify that I only do this with people I care deeply about and I have no problem with this at work or with acquaintances. But my own child?? I am afraid I will feel responsible for their decisions and that I will be hurt when they make poor ones. I think everyone feels this to some degree, but I am worried that I will be a bit ridiculous.
And, of course, I am concerned about how having a child will affect my marriage. I love my marriage. I love my husband. I love the endless amount of time we can spend together. I cherish our time together and the thought of sharing him makes me a little sad. I am afraid our marriage, though it will always remain a priority, will be the thing that gets the short end of the stick (is that what I mean to say?). I feel as though parenting takes over your whole life... I want us to maintain our roles as husband and wife rather than just becoming parenting partners. I want to know how to maintain both roles now though I know it will be a journey we have to walk through and discovery together.
I want everyone to get the best of me all the time, including myself. How do you do that? I hope you will all have wonderful advice for me when we are ready to journey into parenthood. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I'm hoping that village is there to raise this mother as well.
It's too bad worrying gets you no where.
And it is a good thing that I can put my hope in the Father, trusting that He has shown me areas in which I can grow, and knowing that He will be faithful as I journey along.
4 comments:
Ashley I totally understand all the things you are saying, and it really is just a daily learning process. You learn when you've reached your limit and need to step back from the mom role for two minutes (wether with the help of your husband, a friend or even yes, a TV show for the kids.)
Yes, your heart will feel like its walking around outside of your body. This is something I don't think I'll ever get use to. But thanks to our Hea enly Father I can at least put trust in Him that He knows what is going on and is in control :)
It's harder then I imagined yet more rewarding em I could possibly explain. And I KNOW you will be a tremendous mother when the time comes!
Sam just said what I was thinking...
"She is saying all the things a good parent worries about... and they're all things that every good parent makes it through." It's not easy and it doesn't always make sense, but God teaches you along the way. That's why they come out so tiny. You're learning along with them. God's grace is the best part. Nobody is a perfect parent, and you end up doing things you wish you didn't, and handling things differently than you would have preferred... but in the end,you (and they) always bounce back and you can usually look back on it and learn something or laugh. Thankfully God, who loves your future little ones even more than you ever could (hard to imagine!), is our Father, not just our kids' father. He won't leave you alone in it all.
I could say a million things here. But here are just a few things:
1. You are a million steps ahead of where we were. I had no idea what I was getting into!!!
2. Sleep deprivation is brutal and I do get mad at my kids and husband a lot more easily when I'm tired but they still love me:) I remember my mom did the same with us and I thought she was the best.
3. In regards to your love for them...I remember it just grew and grew and it made me scared. And then, they turned three. This sounds weird, but it plateaued or shifted or something. They became more independent, they got annoying at times, etc. I don't know how to say it but you feel more comfortable with your heart running around outside of your body.
4. YOu will be an amazing mother. I know this.
5. They will mess up and make dumb mistakes but that is how they learn. It's good for them...it doesn't reflect badly on you, everyone makes mistakes. We're human:)
6. I love that you and Eric are having this amazing time to grow together and travel and make great memories. I didn't have kids until I was 28 and that was great for us. Trust His timing for you guys. Both. I had to wait longer for my husband to come along (and figure out that he wanted to marry me) but we got on the baby train pretty quickly so we sort of did things differently:)
I read your post yesterday so I don't know if I'm responding to all I wanted to say but those are just some thoughts.
Happy travels!
Louise
I think that many of your concerns are valid. These are things that do happen. But it's okay, because God uses these things to grow and change us. We have to learn how to cope and thrive in these situations, it isn't automatic - for anyone. And you do have a wonderful village surrounding you who will help you along the way. What puts you already ahead (at least of me) is that you are aware of these concerns/issues and already willing to learn, not just muddle along trying to do it yourself. I've learned to accept and appreciate help and ask for wisdom from others... and I'm still learning!
Post a Comment