I feel like I am just coasting. Nothing has really bothered or "affected" me here yet and this is a little perplexing to me. Maybe this is what culture shock is like for me, but I wish it would stop.
I feel nothing. I have no strong emotions or visceral reactions to anything I see -- it just is what it is. After all, this is Africa. I know many things are wrong, but I don't feel any reaction to them. I watched a baby struggling for her life who was left to pull through or die alone and I wasn't even saddened. This is not typical for me! I am usually a very emotional person and I can cry at the drop of a hat... but I feel nothing. I'm not even disturbed by the fact that I lack emotion, I cannot muster that much emotion. I want to, but there's nothing there.
I seem to be merely existing, but I'm not really present. No matter how much I try, I feel no emotional response or connection to things. I want to understand why and I want to know when this will change. I feel like I am in a constant daze. Or that I am seeing my life from somewhere else or through the eyes of someone else.
Has anyone else ever had this? Please tell me it's normal and that it goes away. I'm really not a fan of this. I'd like to start feeling again.
5 comments:
It is TOTALLY normal Ashley so don't feel badly about it. I went through different seasons over my 5 years where I felt "numb." I think sometimes it's the grace of God sometimes to prevent us from being totally overwhelmed.
I wonder if it is a kind of culture shock, where life and existence there is so far removed from your own reality and what you know. That you are having an almost out-of-heart experience.
This is a very interesting development, especially given your penchant for tears.
Keep me posted. I'm sure you're normal and not the first to experience something like that. Have you checked in with your classmates?
It does sound like a form of culture shock. I will pray that it goes away so that you can fully immerse yourself into this experience.
I completely know the feeling (or lack thereof)... For me, I had to take it all in (Nigeria) and then process the emotion later, at home, where I felt safe. But that was just me. Don't be too hard on yourself- it's kind of a neat opportunity to learn more about yourself in a completely different environment and situation. Thinking about you over there!
-Heidi Rietkerk.
Ash, I've wanted to write, but the words weren't coming! I do think this is very normal, especially given some of the harsh, and traumatic situations you've been in at the hospital. Keep praying, journaling, and talking. Keep processing it all, in whatever small ways you can, little by little. Love you!
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