From the Jansen Archives

I wrote my last midterm today! Last of two... doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment. And I only have one final exam this year. Man, fourth year is slack! I do have projects and papers due every week still. And final assignments, but seriously, I feel like I'm just jumping through hoops. Not learning too much.

You may be tired of old family photos, but that's what I got so that's what you get. I don't quite have the energy to articulate all the thoughts scurrying around my brain. There are far too many and it is overwhelming to even think about writing them down. I wouldn't know where to begin! Too much to think about with school, Africa, graduating, and just life in general. So, I digress to posting old family photos. And hopefully making some apple pie tonight. We'll have to see how ambitious I feel after this.

I've been thinking a lot about family recently. One of the reasons is obviously the babies in my life, but also just because. I have found myself thinking about what I want my family to be like. What kind of a mother I want to be. What kind of relationships I want with my children and with Erik. How I will develop those relationships. How I want to raise my children. Who we will be as a family.

I am regularly asked when I am going to have my own babies; when Erik and I are going to start our own family. The best answer I can give is, not now. Not yet. We both love where we are at - we are enjoying being husband and wife. Just husband and wife, not dad and mom. Well, I guess we are loving being uncle and auntie too.

I know there is never the perfect time to have children, but now is not the time. I am just finishing my degree and then I want to work for a while. It's not that I want to make a ton of money before babies, but I would like to be comfortable enough in my profession to take return after a maternity leave. And lets be honest, I am far too selfish to be a mama. Ok. So this is and it isn't true. I am selfish, but I would do anything for my pseudo-babies now. I can't even imagine how much I will love my own children. It's kind of terrifying and wonderful. One friend of mine described her kids as being her heart running around outside of her... I don't know if I'm ready for the heart-ache that can bring.

I keep reminding myself that we don't really get to decide. Sure we can try our hardest to plan it out, but it's ultimately up to God. Praise the Lord! Takes some of the pressure off! As for the number of kids we want... we'll take it one at a time. I would feel so blessed to have even one, but I would love to have a relatively big family. Depends who you're comparing to I guess... If my parent's are setting the standard I would like a relatively small family. Or maybe a medium one, but as I said, we'll take it one at a time.